2009 Retrospective

Looking back on 2009, this was truly a year of epic proportions in our lives. These are the big events:

• BBB3: Berk Birthday Bash (February)
• Getting accepted to/selecting our colleges (April-May)
• The Circus Starring Britney Spears ❤ (April)
• Performing in the school’s talent show (April)
• J+E<3’s production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch (May)
• Graduating from high school (May)
• Bye Bye Britney (July-August)
• Our trip to Pacific Northwest (August)
• Josh moving to New York City to attend Columbia University (September)
• Elaine moving to Savannah, GA to attend the Savannah College of Art and Design (September)
• The National Equality March (October)
• Our little reunion weekend in NYC (November)
• Visiting our first strip club (December)

I’d say we got a lot of shit done. I mean, The Circus alone would have made 2009 the best year ever, but throw in graduating from high school, and you’re set! And there were so many little things that happened this year, too. Our first cigarette (Camel Menthol), sleepovers during the summer, Obsessed starring Beyoncé Knowles, sitting next to Alexa Vega at the REPO! The Genetic Opera screening…I can’t get over how good 2009 was.

I guess I’ll be profound for a minute and say that we changed a lot, too. I mean, we started college. It’s still very strange and new. I’m pleased that despite living so far apart Josh and I have managed to maintain our BFF-ship, but it’s only winter break, so we’ll see how much longer that can last…

So, yeah. That was our 2009. The year of Britney and beginnings.

Here’s to an equally eventful 2010,

Elaine

Baby’s First Strip Club

Last night a longtime fantasy was fulfilled: I went to a strip club.

Maybe it’s because driving along San Diego’s highways, you always pass them. The purple one, the yellow one, the pink one that offers military discounts…or maybe it’s because of my love for the film Showgirls. But I’d always dreamed of going ingo one.

So after a bit of research, Josh and I, with some other game friends, headed to San Diego’s Les Girls, located by the Sports Arena.

After parking in the alley in front of the club, we began to have second thoughts. But it was too late. We had come too far to turn back.

Entering the club, we were greeted by an older woman who I imagine all the dancers call Mama and share tips with. After paying our five dollars each, we got a hand-stamp which read “Wild Sweet” which allowed us to come in and out until 2 AM. A lingerie clad stripper ushered us behind a curtain and into the show room.

Unlike Nomi Malone’s strip club in Showgirls, which was in a bar, Les Girls is set up like a theater. As we entered, a girl was finishing her set and picking up the dollar bills thrown at her feet by the man sitting by himself in the front row. It was very empty, just that man and us. Well, at least we thought so. Then we spotted the man curled up in one of the booths in back, happily lying on the bench.

We watched three more strippers perform. Their acts went in three parts: an initial dance wearing little clothes, a topless dance, and finally, a nude one. Between these parts, lesbian porn was shown on a monitor onstage to maintain the mood.

Overall, it was kind of odd, but not uncomfortable. It was really interesting to see what real-life strippers looked like. The first two were not what I expected all all. Let’s just say that they didn’t look like Nomi Malone. More like if Nomi Malone ate Cristal Conners, and not in a sexual euphemism way, but literally consumed her. I’m saying that they were fat.

Then suddenly, Veronica was upon us. And that was what I imagined a stripper would look like. When she came back out after her dance to collect her dollar bills with a blanket wrapped around her, we all cheered and she sassily dropped the blanket as she walked out.

Kitty was next. Another perfect specimen. She surprised us by having another girl jump onstage with her and they pulled off each other’s tops and humped each other. Sweet!!

After an hour of watching the naked ladies dance, we decided that it was time to go. We were feeling really mature until we entered the lobby and Mama said, “So are you ready to buy some dances?” We immediately started giggling and ran away.

And that was our night at the strip club. Living in sin is the new thing.

The Christmas Spirit

Somehow it’s already December 24th and we haven’t even mentioned Jesus’ birthday! Blame it on Josh having finals until the day before yesterday and my new all-consuming obsession with Law and Order: SVU, I guess.

Anyways, here are some videos that are sure to get you into the Christmas Spirit!

Britney, for no apparent reason, yells “Merrrrrrrry Christmas!!” as she runs across the stage. This was in March.

David Bowie and Bing Crosby have their strange little Christmas duet.

Britney and Ellen go Christmas caroling! I frequently fantasize about the the two of them standing at my door singing. There is little in this world that would be better than that.

And, of course, the Christmas scene from Female Trouble where Dawn does not the get the only gift she wanted – black cha cha heels. Her reaction is perfectly acceptable for the situation. This will be what happens in my house if I don’t get my Britney Red Bling Travel Mug. “I hate you! Fuck you! Fuck you both! You awful people! You’re not my parents! I hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas!!!”

So in conclusion, have a very Merry Christmas from all of us here at Bosh With Elaine and Josh.

Love,

Elaine

Giving Up Perez Hilton

Hi. My name is Elaine, and I’m a celebrity gossip-aholic.

It’s a common enough affliction that many people suffer from, however, it’s not totally joyless.

That is, except for PerezHilton.com.

I’ve checked his website, several times a day, for at least a year or two now. And today I am proud to tell you that I have not been to his site for over a week. I haven’t even been tempted.

I always knew that his site was stupid. I mean, he is the man famous for crudely drawing cum stains/pee/cocaine over his tabloid pictures with MS Paint. But as his popularity has (unfortunately) grown, so has his ego. The thing that bothers me the most about Perez is that he thinks that his readers actually care about him. He wants to be a celebrity himself. He posts pictures of himself and talks about who he’s met and even posts pictures of his fucking dog.

The truth is, that he is talentless and desperate and not in the least bit clever or witty, as he seems to think. His news isn’t even new, and of course, he frequently targets not just child celebrities, but children of celebrities. Just last week he called Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby girl a bastard. And I think that we can all agree that that is not okay.

The moment I knew that I had to leave Perez for good was when he posted something about Fergie, and he drew an arrow pointing to her face with the word “fug” written behind it. It made me feel bad for him. Who is this sad little man who just has to break everyone down to be satisfied? I know that he would like nothing better than for someone like Lindsey Lohan to overdose. That would be a real scoop.

In conclusion, he’s just a giant douche. My quality of life has already improved with him gone.

Besides, there are so many better places to go for some good celebrity gossip.

“Showgirls: The Musical” and the Fan Base to Rival Them All.

Elaine texted me this morning that the new revival of “Bye Bye Birdie” was closing earlier than expected– at first I was sad, but then I decided to do some research of my own.

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118012029.html?categoryid=15&cs=1

Turns out, “Bye Bye Biridie” is for sure closing on January 24th– but that’s actually 2 weeks after the original closing date. Plus, there’s really no reason for the show to go on past that since John and Gina (that is Stamos and Gershon respectively) will both be leaving the cast on January 24th, regardless of whether the show continues or not.

So that minor tribulation was over, but thinking about “Bye Bye Birdie” led me to think about Gina Gershon, who naturally led me to ponder the cinematic masterpiece “Showgirls”.

At the same time, I was also contemplating my future (“Showgirls” opens the door to deep, insightful thought) and I decided that I would become famous for writing “Showgirls: The Musical”. Obviously, the fan base is crazy enough that they would all need to see it (a blog post explaining why the “Showgirls” fan base is the craziest in the world, second only to Britney Spears’, will be coming soon).

I tried finding any recent info on the previous reported plans for an official “Showgirls” musical but the only really official thing I could find was from 2006… that’s 3 years ago. However, I did find this blog post referencing the project from 2008 and I thought you might enjoy it:

http://filmexperience.blogspot.com/2008/06/gina-gershon-on-showgirls-musical.html

Gina lists her “Top 5 movies that star Gina Gershon”, but amazingly, “Showgirls” isn’t one of them!

Sorry for the small digression– back to my future and writing “Showgirls: The Musical”…

Can I just assume that “Showgirls:The Musical” has died and that I can start my own version? Of course, once I finish it, I’ll mail it to Joe Eszterhas for a look and once he emphatically loves it, he’ll push the studio to help me out. However, he originally had the people behind “Urinetown” working for him, which is actually legit, so maybe I should try other pursuits?

I’m conflicted.

Short Short Story Genius

I found this gem of a short short story on a blog I have to peruse through for my work-study job and I thought I’d share it with you guys because it’s so fucking awesome:

Bedtime Story by Jeffrey Whitmore

“Careful, honey, it’s loaded,” he said, re-entering the bedroom.
Her back rested against the headboard. “This for your wife?”
“No, too chancy. I’m hiring a professional.”
“How about me?”
He smirked. “Cute. But who’d be dumb enough to hire a lady hit man?”
She wet her lips, sighting along the barrel.
“Your wife.”

That’s only 53 words long and though it’s short, it’s still a captivating story– I envision the characters in a smokey motel room somewhere in the Midwest (where rifles are more commonplace). The man has just had sex with this attractive woman he just met. Who cares if his wife thinks he’s out with the guys? He walks back in from the bathroom, they exchange these few lines and bang– he’s dead and his wife is avenged. Perhaps my favorite character in this short, short story is the one that never speaks– the wife. Imagine how cunning, jealous and evil she must be! But is she justified in killing her husband?

I know this has nothing to do with Britney Spears or the fact that it started snowing here today in New York, but I just really loved that story. Bravo Jeffrey Whitmore, even if I don’t know who you are.

Merry Britmas!!

Can you believe it? It’s Britmas again! This year has gone by so quickly! Last Britmas, Josh and I were  handing out our Britmas cards together at Scripps Ranch High School, this year, we’re mailing our own cards across the country.

But this day isn’t about us. It’s about our Lord and Savior, Britney Jean Spears, who was born twenty-eight years ago on this day in the holy city of Kentwood, Louisiana.

Happy Birthday, Britney. May you be happy and in enjoyment of the immense success you’ve had this year with your new album and world-wide tour. Your twenty-eighth year will only bring more joy. But first, take a little break! You deserve it!

So Merry Britmas, everyone! And keep Britney in your heart always. She is the reason for the season, after all!