Posts Tagged 'Columbia'

My First College Party!

College is so exciting!

Today I was browsing my “Furnald ’09/’10” Facebook group (you know, the one for all the Columbia freshmen and sophomores who are living in the nicest residence hall on campus– Furnald) and I found a mysterious link posted on the wall. Naturally, I clicked it, and lo and behold! My first college party!

The genius living in Room 420 is already planning a party for the first week-end of school! I’m sure the other residence halls have something like this planned but they call Furnald the “anti-social” dorm so it was really comforting to see the invite. Will I have friends afterall?

My only concern is that there are already 15 confirmed guests (I’m just a maybe, just in case I meet these people and don’t like them) and I’m pretty sure 420 is a single… so how are we going to fit a possible 20+ person party in a 120 sq ft. dorm (not to mention all the space the furnishings take)? I guess that’s all part of the experience.

I’ve also never done pot and since the event photo is a giant marijuana leaf, maybe I’ll get to try something new!

There’s a first time for everything right?

Except coke. I promised my nostrils I would never do coke.

Come on!! Is she or isn’t she?!!

This morning (or rather afternoon) I woke up with hopes that I’d be receiving my housing assignment from Columbia. They never told us a specific date other than “Late-June” but I just had a hunch since the housing website said that they were undergoing “updates” until today.

But instead I received a very disappointing email from Columbia Housing:

We know that you are anxious to get your housing assignment. Know that we are working on it and will be in touch with you by mid-July.

Great. Thanks. I’ll wait 15 more days for you to get your shit together.

JK Columbia Housing ILU (and hope you give me my first choice!)!!

But even more stressful than waiting for my housing info is waiting on Emma Watson!

Before last week I had learned to cope with the fact that Emma was going to Brown– but then came JustJared who said he had “proof” that she was actually coming to Columbia. The proof? A listing in the student directory under “Charlotte E. Watson”, Charlotte being her middle name. Obviously, I was ecstatic.

My hopes reborn, I went to, the coolest, meanest (and only?) Columbia blog, to confirm my dream. But some bitch of a student had to go and prove JustJared wrong. Apparently on LinkedIn there is a real Charlotte E. Watson who went to Columbia.

But now that my hopes have been reborn, I can’t just let them die again! I won’t believe she’s not coming to Columbia until she says she’s not!

So I’ve been checking her official website more than is normal and healthy. The main page hasn’t even been updated since Christmas.

(side note: did you know that Emma is 19?? Why is she so frickin’ old?)

So please, I’m begging someone reliable! I NEED to know if there is a possibility that Emma Watson will be living on my floor or not!

In preparation, I’ve already brainstormed some options for what to say when I first meet her. She’s asked for some anonymity to live out a normal college experience, so keep that in mind.

  1. “Hi, I’m Josh… and you are?” This will make her think that I have no idea who she is! Of course the danger is, is that she’ll find out after we become best friends that I lied about not recognizing her.
  2. “Hey, I’m Josh! I totally recognize you but I’ll let you introduce yourself so that you can feel like a normal person!” Not the strongest option, but maybe she’d chuckle?
  3. “Hi, I’m Josh! I sit next to you in Lit Hum!” This one will only work if I sit next to her in Lit Hum. And if we aren’t in Lit Hum when I talk to her.
  4. “Hi, I’m Josh… have you made any friends, because I sure haven’t and I’m desperate!” This one’s just honest.
  5. “Hi, I’m Josh! I hear you speak French?” This is also a lie– I KNOW she speaks French.
  6. “I’m Josh, want a beer?” This is probably my best bet to actually talking to her. Hopefully I’ll have a beer lying around.
  7. “It’s really nice to meet you! What’s it like to go to Hogwarts? I honestly waited by my fireplace for a month after I turned eleven for my letter… It never came.” Once again, honesty, pure and simple.
  8. “Hi, I’m Josh! Don’t worry about being bothered by people all the time– that’s what James Franco’s for.” That’s pretty funny right?
  9. “Hi, I’m Josh! I’ll be your friend only if you’re interesting.” Straightforward and real.
  10. “Hi, I’m… oh.” That’s me attempting to say hello, but then watching her walk away, pretending not to see me.

So which one’s your favorite? Do you have any other suggestions for me?


ILU too Columbia!

So today was the day that I found out about most of my schools, and what a day it was!

I got rejected from Harvard, Yale, and Stanford and waitlisted at Princeton, but nay, not everything was so bleak!

I got into Columbia, and today they let me know that they really love me. And you know what, I love you too Columbia! I really do. And I’m not afraid to tell the whole world.

So it may be time for us to take the next step in our relationship.

That’s right readers– we may be moving in with eachother. Of course she’s just asking me to pay $400 first and then I’m waiting to see how much she’s willing to give me $$ wise and then we’ll be all set.

And one of Elaine and I’s favorite mottos is “Brit’s got a plan (get naked)”. So everything that happens, happens for a reason. And in the case of being rejected to Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, I am almost 100% sure that it was because of Britney Spears.

And to state another favorite motto of ours, “there are only two types of schools out there– ones that can hang with Brit and ones that are scared”.

Obviously, Harvard, Yale and Stanford are scared shitless (it’s no coincidence that their intitials can spell S-H-Y). Princeton’s scared, but really wants to hang out (that’s P for “pussy”), and Brown and Columbia just ain’t afraid to hit the floor with Brit (which is B for “Bitch” and C for “CHRISTMAS!!!” [see youtube video below]).

Given that Harvard and Yale are the more conservative (eeew!) Ivies, I have concluded that they do not appreciate Britney Spears and therefore do not support a healthy academic environment.

But both Berkeley and Columbia selected me for some sort of scholar program, so I know that I must belong at either of these places.

Once again, thank you Britney Spears. You never fail to lead me down the right path. And this time you have found me true, reciprocated love.

Yours truly,


P.S. You all have no idea how serious I actually am.

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