Archive for February, 2010
Tags: Bitchy celebrities, Bleach Stain, Patricia Heaton, The Middle, tim curry
I need to address something.
For quite a while now, the search term that most people have used to find Bosh With Elaine and Josh is “patricia heaton”, or some variation, including: patricia heaton+ sexy, patricia heaton pics, patricia heaton see through, etc.
I am extremely disturbed by this trend for two reasons. Mainly because Patricia Heaton is an inconsiderate bitch, and secondly, she really isn’t that sexy.
When Josh and I attended Comic Con 2009, we experienced her cuntiness live and in person.
You see, we were so excited to see Ms. Heaton that we even decorated Josh’s car for her. She was going to be there to promote her upcoming family sitcom, “The Middle”. (I still can’t figure out why Comic Con was an appropriate venue for this.)
Then we got inside and luckily found out that not only was she screening her TV show…she was also signing autographs!
We got into line and anxiously waited to have a few blessed moments with Pat.
She was nice enough when we spoke to her, and Josh even made her laugh. (Although I can’t remember what it is that he said now.)
We planned the rest of our day around the screening of her show. Now that we were personal friends with her, we HAD to be at the screening, not like we weren’t planning to before anyways, but now we had a relationship to maintain!
The screening was off the grounds of the the Convention Center, so we hauled our giant-ass Harry Potter bags full of free shit over to the nearby hotel ballroom and found seats, ready for P. Heaton. We were given bags from Mom Logic filled with pudding and cartoons.
It was time. The anticipation grew. Everybody was getting tense. Some lady walked up to the podium, clearly to introduce Patricia Heaton. Instead, she claimed that Pat was stuck on the floor of Comic Con and couldn’t get to the screening.
How is this even possible?! Clearly, people would have made way for PATRICIA HEATON, star of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and the Albertson’s commercials, had she simply said, “Excuse me,” and gently nudged her way through the crowd!
However, as the lights dimmed and we watched the pilot of “The Middle”…it became clear what Pat decided not to show up. The show was pretty shitty.
And she didn’t even look sexy in it.
And that is why I hate Patricia Heaton, and why it is so ironic that she is currently the main search term that is getting people here. But if your masturbatory fantasies did get you here looking for Patricia Heaton induced orgasms, could you please spend a moment in the comment section explaining her appeal? Because I just don’t get it. And did you know that she’s a conservative, pro-life Christian?
Oh, and as for the person who got to this blog with the search term “what does a bleach stain look like on a black t-shirt”, it looks like this:
Welcome readers to the Bosh French Literature Series!
Here, each week (or less), you will be introduced to a stunning work of French Literature written by none other than me! These pieces are the products of a French stylistic course I’m taking now and it should produce some beautiful works of art.
For the first part in the series, here is a poem entitled, “Britney, mon amour” (“Britney, my love”).
(French in italics, followed by an English translation.)
“Britney, mon amour”
Les méchantes tresses du soleil,
Qui durement me tirent du sommeil,
Ne me donnent pas autant de joie
Que tes voluptueux rayons de soie.
Et la lune qui monte au ciel chaque nuit,
Est si ordinaire qu’elle m’ennuie.
Mais ta bouche et tes lèvres croissantes
Brille d’une lumière vive, toute-puissante.
Et les montagnes, quels sommets laids !
Qui aux plaines plates volent la paix !
Mais tes cimes dorment en harmonie calme,
Comme des vagues douces qui bercent les palmes.
Mais à quoi servent ces anciens troncs d’arbre,
Qui ne soutiennent que des branches sombres ?
Ton cou élégant porte tout ce que j’adore :
Ton cerveau, tes yeux, tes cheveux d’or.
Tous les toscans tournesols qui poussent
Faneront lorsque l’hiver les touche,
Mais tes yeux resteront en couleur,
Tes cils les protègent de la froideur.
Et les écureuils ont des joues charmantes,
Selon toutes les folles ignorantes.
Elles n’ont jamais vu tes joues rosées,
Rondes, comme des collines de blé.
Quand le grand vent fait frissonner mon sang,
Comme un soldat des cieux blessants,
Tes bras puissants me protègent d’heurts—
Ils sont mes héros, et mes vainqueurs.
Même dans la nature tu chasses le pire,
Puisque, mon amour, t’es Britney Spears.
“Britney, my love”
The menacing braids of the sun,
Who harshly pull me from sleep,
Do not give me as much joy
As your voluptuous rays of silk.
And the moon that mounts the sky each night
Is so ordinary that it bores me
But your mouth and your crescent lips
Shine a vibrant light, all powerful.
As for mountains, what ugly summits!
Who from the flat plains steal peace!
But your peaks sleep in calm harmony,
Like the soft waves who rock the palm trees.
But for what purpose serve this ancient tree trunks
Who only support somber branches?
Your elegant neck carries all that I adore:
Your brain, your eyes, your golden hair.
All of the Tuscan sunflowers that grow
Will wither once winter touches them,
But your eyes will remain colorful,
Your lashes protect them from the cold.
And squirrels have charming cheeks
According to ignorant fools;
They have never seen your rosen cheeks,
Round, like rolling hills of wheat.
When the great vale freezes my blood,
Like a solder of the injuring skies,
Your powerful arms guard me from blows–
They are my heroes, and my victors.
Even in nature you chase away the worst,
Because, my love, you are Britney Spears.
I’m not one to brag, but I mean c’mon– you might as well hand me the Nobel Prize for Literature right now.
And wait until you see what I have in store for next week.
And yes, as embarrassing as that poem is, I did hand that into my French professor.
Tags: E-mail, Fan Mail, In LIving Cover, Jay Brannan
It’s true. Jay Brannan and I are tight. You know…Jay Brannan…the independent singer/songwriter and one of the stars of Shortbus?
After buying his newest album, In Living Cover, and listening to it a million times (approximately) I decided to send him an e-mail just because…why not?
And today, less than one month later, he responded!!
I feel so special! He must get hundreds of stupid e-mails like the one I sent him, but he took time out of his day to respond to me.
Here is a screen-shot of our correspondence, just for proof that he really did e-mail me (click to enlarge):
Do you see that?!? He used my name, a smiley face, and two exclamation marks!!!!
I love you, Jay Brannan. I can tell you one thing: you have guaranteed yourself a lifelong fan.
But, ohmygod, so embarrassing!! I just noticed that in the e-mail I told him that I liked his album In Living COLOR…it’s def called In Living COVER…I hate myself! He must hate me! I can’t believe that this is how Jay and I are staring our friendship!!
Maybe he didn’t notice? I clearly didn’t notice when I typed it…PLEASE FORGIVE ME, JAY!
Tags: Accident, facebook, Scripps Ranch High School
A little over a year ago at our high school, there was a terrible accident that took place in the parking lot.
There was a girl lying on the street as a car backed out (quote from another student about the incident: “You know [her]. She liked laying places.”) and she was literally run over by the car.
It was obviously a serious accident and it required multiple surgeries and many weeks of recovery.
Following the accident, it was touch-and-go for a period in time, and in this time, a Facebook group called “Support [Insert Name Here]” was created. Feeling pressured by my peers, I had to join the group. Because otherwise it would look like I didn’t support her and wanted her to die.
However, now she’s fully recovered and fourteen months have passed. Will I be a bitch if I leave the Facebook group? Will it come up on everybody’s News Feeds with “Elaine Gray has left the group Support [Insert Name Here]”, and what will people think of that? What will [Insert Name Here] think of that?
I guess that being a member of this group isn’t really problematic in anyway…but I feel like it just brings my whole Facebook page down.
This problem has been bothering me everytime I log into Facebook. So, about three (or more) times a day.