Tonight in the cultural capital of America (San Diego, duh), we are blessed with the visit of the boy-band phenomenon: The Jonas Brothers. The numbers and screaming girls don’t lie: they are extremely popular and extremely loved. But what do the pop culture savvy Elaine and Josh think about the trio?
Nick, Kevin and Joe Jonas.
ELAINE: I despise the Jonas Brothers with every fiber of my being. First of all, look at them. I mean REALLY look at them. They are all horribly unattractive! I always hear people talking about how hot they are, but sorry, no. Kevin Jonas looks like a pig. The nose makes it uncanny. But getting past the superficial level, let’s talk about the music. Sorry. What music? Believe me, I understand that music does not need to be art to be good; sometimes a sing-a-long track or dance music is so much better then something that’s supposed to be meaningful, but come on! But I’ll be honest, the main reason I hate them is their purity rings. Gross! Who wants to fantasize about these asexual Christian “rock stars”? Can it get any more boring? They themselves seem like the most boring people in the world.
Let’s review: ugly, untalented, conservative and traditional…that is not something I want anywhere near my life, let alone my iPod. Not when there are alternatives like the pretty, mega-talented, and crazy Britney out there.
JOSH: No, I don’t have some sort of inferiority complex. No, I’m not vengefully jealous. It’s simple: I don’t like the Jonas Brothers. Admittedly, I don’t think I’ve ever listened to one of their songs all the way through and luckily life makes it so I don’t have to. No director wants their music in movies or TV Shows (with the exception of Disney Channel). No DJ ever plays their music on the radio (with the exception of Radio Disney). No store owner wants to play their music over the speakers (with the exception of the Disney store and Limited Too).
I’ve heard the Jonas Brothers likened to the Beatles and that’s just absolutely preposterous. If anything, this is just another Disney commercial success– another Mickey Mouse if you will. How could these 3 “musicians” who sing conservative songs about liking girls who don’t like them back and the like be anything like the Beatles? The Beatles were shocking for their time; they sang about sex. They were parents’ worst nightmares. The Jonas Brothers need parental acceptance or their fan base would collapse. You know who the Jonas Brothers remind me of? Hansen. And 10 years after Hansen, how many Hansen songs can you name from memory? One? Maybe two if you were a “fan” back then. How many Beatles songs can you name? Everyone can name at least 5, maybe even 10. And it’s been almost 50 years since the Beatles exploded. An average person could even name 5 Britney Spears songs.
How many Jonas Brothers songs can I name?
Just one. And I have a feeling that number isn’t ever going to change.