Posts Tagged 'Harvard'

ILU too Columbia!

So today was the day that I found out about most of my schools, and what a day it was!

I got rejected from Harvard, Yale, and Stanford and waitlisted at Princeton, but nay, not everything was so bleak!

I got into Columbia, and today they let me know that they really love me. And you know what, I love you too Columbia! I really do. And I’m not afraid to tell the whole world.

So it may be time for us to take the next step in our relationship.

That’s right readers– we may be moving in with eachother. Of course she’s just asking me to pay $400 first and then I’m waiting to see how much she’s willing to give me $$ wise and then we’ll be all set.

And one of Elaine and I’s favorite mottos is “Brit’s got a plan (get naked)”. So everything that happens, happens for a reason. And in the case of being rejected to Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, I am almost 100% sure that it was because of Britney Spears.

And to state another favorite motto of ours, “there are only two types of schools out there– ones that can hang with Brit and ones that are scared”.

Obviously, Harvard, Yale and Stanford are scared shitless (it’s no coincidence that their intitials can spell S-H-Y). Princeton’s scared, but really wants to hang out (that’s P for “pussy”), and Brown and Columbia just ain’t afraid to hit the floor with Brit (which is B for “Bitch” and C for “CHRISTMAS!!!” [see youtube video below]).

Given that Harvard and Yale are the more conservative (eeew!) Ivies, I have concluded that they do not appreciate Britney Spears and therefore do not support a healthy academic environment.

But both Berkeley and Columbia selected me for some sort of scholar program, so I know that I must belong at either of these places.

Once again, thank you Britney Spears. You never fail to lead me down the right path. And this time you have found me true, reciprocated love.

Yours truly,

Josh

P.S. You all have no idea how serious I actually am.

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The 2008 “America’s Top East Coast College Rankings” (by Josh)

Hello future anxious college applicant, this is current anxious college applicant Josh here with the official release of the 2008 Top East Coast College Rankings.

Now, I don’t actually believe in college rankings, which might make you wonder, “why did you create your own college ranking?” And that is because I have decided to rank all of the east coast colleges in America along a number of different categories that matter to me. There’s no konky formula, no stats. It’s just my raw, biased opinion.

And in that respect, my rankings are just as good as US News’!

You might also be wondering, “why just the east coast?” and “why are there only 6 colleges?” The answer is simple: these are the only 6 I visited. You’re on your own with the other 482.

Now on to the rankings!

PRE-VISIT IMPRESSION:

  1. Columbia
  2. Yale
  3. Brown
  4. Princeton
  5. Harvard
  6. MIT

AWESOMENESS OF SURROUNDING CITY/TOWN/VILLAGE:

  1. Harvard (Cambridge/Boston, MA)
  2. MIT (Cambridge/Boston, MA)
  3. Columbia (New York City, NY)
  4. Brown (Providence, RI)
  5. Yale (New Haven, CT)
  6. Princeton (Princeton, NJ)

COOLNESS OF TOUR GUIDE (excluding Emily, the super cool underground tour guide):

  1. Columbia (Heather, hip asian girl)
  2. Harvard (Carl, San Diegan drama artiste)
  3. Yale (Matt, preppy J-Crew sweater guy)
  4. Princeton (Matt, flamboyant Religion major)
  5. Brown (Vitash?, pretty cool Indian guy)

MIT (Mark, human robot/├╝ber dweeb) is not ranked in this category because it doesn’t even deserve number 6. ABSOLUTE ABOMINATION.

GENERAL IMPRESSION OF CAMPUS AESTHETICS:

  1. Princeton (for simply being amazing)
  2. Yale (for it’s many maple trees)
  3. Brown (for the beautiful Lincoln Field and Van Wickle gates)
  4. Harvard (for a disappointing Harvard Yard)
  5. Columbia (for its small size, and somewhat run-down condition)
  6. MIT (again, ABSOLUTE ABOMINATION)

FOOD, EITHER FROM DINING HALL OR CAMPUS CAFETERIAS:

  1. Princeton (an award-winning cafeteria?!)
  2. Columbia (I had a pretty good chicken breast sandwich)
  3. Brown (ate at the dining hall, large selection!)
  4. Harvard (decent Chinese, but wasn’t university affiliated…)

Yale and MIT are not ranked because I did not eat there.

BADASSINESS OF STUDENT POPULATION:

  1. Columbia (student quote: “dude, all I do is sit here all day and smoke.”)
  2. Princeton (from the many stories Emily, underground tourguide, tells me)
  3. Yale (two students smoking in dorm and staring at the tour group, laughing)
  4. Harvard (just using my imagination…)
  5. MIT (for all those, sometimes clever, “hacks” they do)
  6. Brown (I honestly just have no idea)

ACCESSIBILITY TO ILLICIT SUBSTANCES:

This is a six-way tie for number one.

LIKELIHOOD MY PARENTS WOULD VISIT ME OFTEN (in this case, #1 is the worst):

  1. Brown (the city is too pleasant)
  2. Princeton (the surrounding town has too much available real estate for comfort)
  3. Harvard (again, too pleasant of a city, and there’s an Inn on campus)
  4. Yale (pleasant town, but hard to get to without a car)
  5. MIT (atrocious school, but good location)
  6. Columbia (I can assure you, my parents will never want to come to NYC)

OVERALL RANKING:

  1. Harvard University
  2. Columbia University
  3. Princeton University
  4. Yale University
  5. Brown University

MIT sucked so bad, it doesn’t get a ranking.


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Contact Elaine and Josh!

Want to say something to us? Don't feel like you can post a comment? No problem! You can get in contact with us here.

Elaine and Josh:

jepartyservice@gmail.com

Elaine:

elgray21@student.scad.edu

Josh:

jl3456@columbia.edu