Last Night With Josh and Elaine

At the beginning of this summer, we had the idea what we would put on three musicals for the people of Scripps Ranch, one every month. Obviously, this plan was taken over by Bye Bye Britney: The Motion Picture, and that was the only product of this summer. (Granted, it was a fucking large (and fairly nice) product).

Anyways, our plan would have been to reprise Hedwig in June and then perform our second original musical, Last Night With Josh and Elaine in August right before everyone left. The story line of Last Night went something like this: Josh and I meet at Santana’s Mexican Grill before we both head off to college, and we reminisce about high school, reflect on our friendship, and meditate on what the future would bring. Also, the title was going to lead for some nice advertising: “Last Night With Josh and Elaine was WILD”, “Last Night With Josh and Elaine was MIND-BLOWING”, etc.

The show would feature songs from out favorite musicals (such as CATS, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, REPO! The Genetic Opera, Bye Bye Birdie and more) and, natch, people like Britney Spears, Elton John and the like. (Well, I suppose that Brit and Sir Elton aren’t normally in the same category).

We were planning to rewrite the songs to reflect our situations, and then break into them at the appropriate time. The show would have been a fusion of My Dinner with Andre, Kiki and Herb and Weird Al Yankovic. All staring Josh and Elaine. Doesn’t that sound like a future Tony winner?

We planed to offend people, make them laugh, make them cry and just say goodbye. It was meant to start out being just about us, but by the end it would be about everyone who was leaving their home and friends for a new life and new adventures. It was going to be really touching.

These are some of the songs we had planned:

  • Concept: An examination of some of the strange lingo we’ve created, focusing especially on the world “nub” (which basically means retard).
    Song: Super Nub, based on Rick James’ Super Freak
    Sample Lyrics: “She’s a very nubby girl/The kind you don’t take home to mother”
  • Concept: A tribute to Maria, our favorite waitress at SMG
    Song: Maria, from West Side Story
    Sample Lyrics: “Maria, I just a girl named Maria” (okay, we didn’t change these ones at all)
  • Concept: A celebration of all of the “thirds” that have joined us over the years, but that we have frightened away
    Song: One Third , based on One Boy from Bye Bye Birdie
    Sample Lyrics: “One third, one special third/One third to smoke with, do coke with/One third, that’s the way it should be”
  • Concept: A truthful look at our most controversial endeavour (which we would finally publicly address and ridicule)
    Song: Mmm Cunt-E, based on Mmm Papi by Britney Spears
    Sample Lyrics: “Mmm Cunt-E hate you, Mmm Cunt-E hate you”

Okay, maybe the whole project was a little self indulgent. Sure. Whatever. But the end was going to be really sweet, and people were going to cry. We never quite figured it out, but I think the finale was going to be a beautiful medley featuring I’m Going Home from Rocky Horror (except “I’m going to New York/Savannah”) followed by I Didn’t Know I Loved You So Much from REPO!, which would then lead into an altered version of Midnight Radio from Hedwig (“Here’s to Nomi! And to Tim Curry! And to David Bowie! And to Britney! And to Beyoncé! And to Richard O’Brien! And to us!”). Then, much like the protaginists in all of the beloved masterpieces metioned above, we would each slowly walk off the stage. In different directions. With one final look back, and then disapearing into the unknown.

C’mon! That’s good shit!

I quite like the idea of Last Night With Josh ane Elaine. Maybe one day it will be reincarnated in some other form. But in conclusion, I’d like to end with the lyrics of one song that I think describes Josh and I quite well. It’s called No Children and we would have performed it in the section where we were talking about Cunt-Egate, thirds, friends, and our friendship in general. It’s by a group called “Mountain Goats” (what a nubby name!), but I prefer Kiki and Herb’s cover. Like I said, I think that it really sums us up:

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss of the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it’s already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town again
In my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tommorow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it’s darkest befor the sun rises
We’re pretty sure they’re all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn’t over
I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can’t find one good thing to say
And I hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You’d stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
Your are coming down with me
Hand in unloveable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

Oh, and as a final, final note, we did eat together at SMG before Josh left for college. So in a way, we had our own private performance of Last Night. With no singing, but still.

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