I woke up this morning and I was scared.

This morning I woke up and now I am convinced that something is wrong about today. Let me tell you why.

This morning I woke up to the harsh sound of sprinklers. This is not a sound I usually hear when I wake up (during the summer) since we do not usually have the sprinklers on at 12:37PM, my favorite wakey-wakey time.

Confused, I glanced at my cheap IKEA wall clock– WTF?? 6:35????

Obviously this must be a mistake! I can’t be awake at 6:35AM! Shit, these cheap clocks always run out of batteries… maybe it just lost power at 6:35.

I’ll stare at the second hand to see if it moves…

Fuck it moved.

I still don’t believe it. Let me check my cell phone… 6:34AM?!! That’s only a minute earlier, but a minute of much needed beauty rest.

Okay, okay, calm yourself. I’ll just close my eyes and go back to bed until 12:37…

But now I’ve moved and can’t find that comfortable spot on the bed… and why are the sprinklers so fucking loud?

Okay, that felt like 6 hours and 3 minutes. What time is it now?

SIX FIFTY-FOUR A.M.? (That’s 6:54AM for you illiterate folk)

Fuck this, I want orange juice. Too bad we haven’t had juice for weeks (Elaine and Forrest can confirm this fact).

It shouldn’t be this easy to get out of bed this early. That’s just not right. Holy shit… am I the first one up in the whole house? Or did everyone just… disappear? I thought that parents were always awake before children. Maybe they’re all hiding downstairs… still no one.

Maybe they’re hiding in the fridge– OH MY GOD. Is that orange juice? Yes… I believe that is Naked Orange Juice.

Jeez, Britney Jean Spears is really on my side today.

I really feel like doing a crossword puzzle… too bad they don’t have any in the Sunday paper. I guess I’ll get the paper for the rest of the family though…

Jesus this paper if fat… okay put all the ads over there… what’s this? Obituaries? Aww look, there’s one for Farrah. I wonder if there’s a giant one for Michael? I’ll just turn the page– WTF???!!


My whole life I have looked for Sunday puzzles in the classifieds section.

Jesus, God just loves me today.

–The End–

Now that the story is over, I’ll tell you why Jesus loves me. Yesterday, I was due at a birthday party at La Jolla Shores around noon, aka the busiest time at the most touristy beach in San Diego. After getting off the 52, I was low on gas, stuck in backed-up traffic, and dreading the parking nightmare I was going to have to face after I filled up. A friend already told me that they had spent 25 minutes finding parking and that didn’t seem very appealing.

When I got to the station I looked at the price on the button and it was $3.375– “shit, gas has gotten really expensive!” I thought.

I started filling up and looked around the station– you know, what you do at the station when you have no one to talk to. Then I looked back at the pump…


But by then it was too late. I had filled up on Super when my ’97 Toyota only takes Unleaded. On top of that, I paid 38 more cents per gallon for it. The gas cap door said in giant bold letters, “UNLEADED FUEL ONLY”, and not knowing what the consequences of using non-unleaded fuel, I was afraid my car would explode.

I started the ignition… no explosion. But maybe it had to burn off the old fuel still left in the tank?

So then I began my quest for parking, in a car that could explode at any second. Obviously I wanted to find parking fast.

I spent 10 minutes in the surrounding streets because the parking lot looked full, but I gave up on that– no street parking whatsoever. So I dared to enter the parking lot. I didn’t find anything my first time around the lot, so I decided to go in for a second. The traffic was backed up all the down the aisles since people were stopping in the middle of the road, waiting for non-existant people to back out.

Desperate, scared, and lonely, I did something drastic.

I made a pact with Jesus.

I said, “Jesus, if you give me a parking spot, I’ll give you my life!”

Soon enough (it must’ve taken a minute or so for the message to get to Jeezy up in space), I saw lights come on from a car in a space.

“Oh my God, are they leaving??”

And lucky me, even though the aisle was backed up, I was in the perfect position to take the spot!

And that is why I sold my soul to Jesus and why I’ve been having such good luck today.

— Josh


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