Every once in a while, man encounters evil. It is only upon this encounter that man finally realizes the serious magnitude of evil.
Friends, family, and Boshers. I have encountered evil.
July 7th, according to this blog, marks the anniversary of Elaine and I’s discovery of Santana’s Mexican Grill. You could say July 7th is our Epiphany (which is an obscure Christian holiday that I only know about because it is celebrated in France by hiding a bean in a cake).
Not too long ago, Elaine, hartknight (this is not his exact real name), and I began a very mature facebook group called, “Santana’s is da SHIT!” in retaliation of another group’s proclamation that a local Mexican eatery called “Chili Peppers” was better than SMG.
Blasphemy. Pure blasphemy.
Unfortunately I had never actually eaten anything from this “Chili Peppers” place, so I wasn’t really fit to judge it.
That is why today (which is actually yesterday now that it is 1:35AM), Elaine and I decided that we were going to eat there.
We had been eyeing a rumored “popcorn chicken burrito” but saw no such thing on the menu. So I thought I would compare the California Burrito to SMG’s own famed California Burrito. How stupid was I? I should’ve taken little Jake Fineman’s touching testimonial to heart… this shocking true story was left on the “Santana’s is the da SHIT!” wall:
“I have joined this group because I ate Chile Peppers last night and it gave me diarrhea, which has kind of turned me off.”
Poor little Jake Fineman.
My California Burrito was terrible. The tortilla wasn’t right. There was too much cheese and not enough tomato. The carne asada was dry and tasted and shredded apart like pork– which isn’t good since it’s supposed to be beef.
All was okay until about 6 hours later, when I started getting a mild upset stomach. I was over at hartknight’s house watching a movie and it didn’t bother me all night until I got home around 12:30AM. After a stool that felt like fire, I thought there was worse to come. Luckily, the burning shit was the worst of my condition… so far.
My stomach still does not feel completely right. I also had In-N-Out tonight, but I know it wasn’t it because my funny stomach started before I took a single bite of my burger.
I really am lucky for not getting diarrhea. Thank you Britney.
So please, PLEASE, do NOT eat at Chili Peppers! Don’t sell your stomach to the devil!
Here is my own little spell for casting away the Chili Pepper demons; use it well!
My stomach full of rotten burrito
Beseeches the elements of moon and water
To cast off the horror of rolled taquito
(even though taquito’s are really just small tacos in Spanish)
Calm stomach fire oh water!
Cool rectal burn oh moon!
And soothe the demons that I have bothered
By eating at Chili Peppers, a bafoon.
SO MOTE IT BE!
Just chant those words three times and any upset stomach or diarrhea you are experiencing because of Chili Peppers should go away!
Or you could just take some Pepto Bismol.
P.S. Sorry this post was so graphic… Upton Sinclair didn’t leave out any details in The Jungle and look what it did for food safety.
UPDATE: I did get a little diarrhea last night. The waxing moon was not in my favor.