Today in America we are celebrating Father’s Day. A “holiday” in which you honor the paternal figures in your lives, and more specifically, the man whose sperm helped create you.
But what about those men who never had children? Here’s the guys who I wish were daddy’s, because their children would bring sunshine to the world:
1) Elton John
Really I’m only thinking of the child here. Can you imagine the incredible life that he or she would lead? Spoiled wouldn’t even begin to cover it. Diamond encrusted pacifiers, designer baby clothes, and mandatory music lessons from eighteen months on. He or she would be over-educated about art and, would get to live in the nicest houses. And when daddy Elton was off making music and daddy David was off making documentaries, baby John-Furnish would surely have the most accommodating nannies.
2) John Waters
This child would end up in two ways: a) completely deranged and the leader of some underground movement, or b) shy and mortified of everything, rarely leaving his room. What would this child think when he inherited all of John’s bizarre modern art (and John’s own art) and other strange collections? And how could would you react to knowing that your own father had the brilliant idea of having a three hundred point drag queen consume dog feces for the grand finale of the most disgusting movie ever made? Enthralling to the rest of the freaks of the world, his own spawn would more than likely be horrified. While the child would have an awkward adolescence, it would be sad for John Waters to leave the world without an heir to his throne of filth.
3) Tim Curry
This is mainly for the selfish reason that this would be a good looking addition to the world. Obviously, the child must be raised in England to inherit Tim’s sexy accent. The child would also have to take acting lessons, but would constantly be competing with his dad’s Rocky Horror persona. Eventually, he would become frustrated and would become a staunch-y, pundit on some conservative cable network. Tim would be disappointed, but in his heart he would understand and would allow his child space. Finally, the child would apologize for his callow and jealous ways, and he and Tim would sing a beautiful duet of “I’m Going Home”, among other songs, in their dazzling two-man Broadway show, Curry & Son.
Only because his wife, Beyoncé, would make a fierce line of maternity wear and she would be a sassy mommy.