The 2008 “America’s Top East Coast College Rankings” (by Josh)

Hello future anxious college applicant, this is current anxious college applicant Josh here with the official release of the 2008 Top East Coast College Rankings.

Now, I don’t actually believe in college rankings, which might make you wonder, “why did you create your own college ranking?” And that is because I have decided to rank all of the east coast colleges in America along a number of different categories that matter to me. There’s no konky formula, no stats. It’s just my raw, biased opinion.

And in that respect, my rankings are just as good as US News’!

You might also be wondering, “why just the east coast?” and “why are there only 6 colleges?” The answer is simple: these are the only 6 I visited. You’re on your own with the other 482.

Now on to the rankings!

PRE-VISIT IMPRESSION:

  1. Columbia
  2. Yale
  3. Brown
  4. Princeton
  5. Harvard
  6. MIT

AWESOMENESS OF SURROUNDING CITY/TOWN/VILLAGE:

  1. Harvard (Cambridge/Boston, MA)
  2. MIT (Cambridge/Boston, MA)
  3. Columbia (New York City, NY)
  4. Brown (Providence, RI)
  5. Yale (New Haven, CT)
  6. Princeton (Princeton, NJ)

COOLNESS OF TOUR GUIDE (excluding Emily, the super cool underground tour guide):

  1. Columbia (Heather, hip asian girl)
  2. Harvard (Carl, San Diegan drama artiste)
  3. Yale (Matt, preppy J-Crew sweater guy)
  4. Princeton (Matt, flamboyant Religion major)
  5. Brown (Vitash?, pretty cool Indian guy)

MIT (Mark, human robot/über dweeb) is not ranked in this category because it doesn’t even deserve number 6. ABSOLUTE ABOMINATION.

GENERAL IMPRESSION OF CAMPUS AESTHETICS:

  1. Princeton (for simply being amazing)
  2. Yale (for it’s many maple trees)
  3. Brown (for the beautiful Lincoln Field and Van Wickle gates)
  4. Harvard (for a disappointing Harvard Yard)
  5. Columbia (for its small size, and somewhat run-down condition)
  6. MIT (again, ABSOLUTE ABOMINATION)

FOOD, EITHER FROM DINING HALL OR CAMPUS CAFETERIAS:

  1. Princeton (an award-winning cafeteria?!)
  2. Columbia (I had a pretty good chicken breast sandwich)
  3. Brown (ate at the dining hall, large selection!)
  4. Harvard (decent Chinese, but wasn’t university affiliated…)

Yale and MIT are not ranked because I did not eat there.

BADASSINESS OF STUDENT POPULATION:

  1. Columbia (student quote: “dude, all I do is sit here all day and smoke.”)
  2. Princeton (from the many stories Emily, underground tourguide, tells me)
  3. Yale (two students smoking in dorm and staring at the tour group, laughing)
  4. Harvard (just using my imagination…)
  5. MIT (for all those, sometimes clever, “hacks” they do)
  6. Brown (I honestly just have no idea)

ACCESSIBILITY TO ILLICIT SUBSTANCES:

This is a six-way tie for number one.

LIKELIHOOD MY PARENTS WOULD VISIT ME OFTEN (in this case, #1 is the worst):

  1. Brown (the city is too pleasant)
  2. Princeton (the surrounding town has too much available real estate for comfort)
  3. Harvard (again, too pleasant of a city, and there’s an Inn on campus)
  4. Yale (pleasant town, but hard to get to without a car)
  5. MIT (atrocious school, but good location)
  6. Columbia (I can assure you, my parents will never want to come to NYC)

OVERALL RANKING:

  1. Harvard University
  2. Columbia University
  3. Princeton University
  4. Yale University
  5. Brown University

MIT sucked so bad, it doesn’t get a ranking.

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6 Responses to “The 2008 “America’s Top East Coast College Rankings” (by Josh)”


  1. 1 echomikeromeo November 17, 2008 at 12:24 am

    lol @ AWESOMENESS OF SURROUNDING CITY/TOWN/VILLAGE. Princeton sucks that way. But NYC = 90 minutes on the train! As you know.

    As I’m sure makes sense, your likelihood of accessibility to illicit substances is going to increase in a larger city. Thus Harvard/Columbia probably your best bet. Almost everyone I know here who smokes weed gets it from the city, for example. Also Brown is famous for its stoners. But basically, you can get anything in Boston/NYC.

    I’m glad to see that Princeton has risen in your rankings–it did pretty well in all your categories!

    Of course I don’t want you to go to Harvard because I loathe them, and I want you to be near me. But I also want you to be happy. And if you lived in the metro Boston area you’d be near Elaine (we hope!). And, of course, you do have to get in… but I’m sure that’s going to be fine.

  2. 2 jepartyservice November 17, 2008 at 3:07 am

    What does “konky” mean?

    ~Elaine

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Elaine and Josh:

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Elaine:

elgray21@student.scad.edu

Josh:

jl3456@columbia.edu


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