Movie Review: "All the Queen’s Men"

If there’s one thing that I am, it’s loyal. To my favorite celebrities, that is. When if find someone, my interest quickly turns to obsession and I live and breathe for that person for a while, until the next person comes along. Well, my new favorite obsession in ninth grade was Eddie Izzard. What? You haven’t heard of him? He’s a British transvestite who works as a comedian currently trying to become a dramatic actor. I was lucky enough to see his first stand-up tour in six years, Stripped”, last week, and this has sparked my obsession for him once again.

So my loyalty for my favorite celebrities means that I will see anything that they have done. And if I can, I’ll buy it. I have a collection of shitty movies and albums that they’ve starred in. And dear Eddie Izzard’s work is probably what I’ve collected the most of. So today I’d like to discuss one of the worst movies I’ve seen (and bought) for any of the objects of my affection: “All the Queen’s Men”.

This 2001 film currently holds the American record for the lowest return on investment (it was made for $25,000,000 and only brought in $22,723, giving it a -99.92% return). Ouch.

And my baby stars in it!

Well, next to Matt LeBlanc that is. Which was, let’s be honest, the film’s first real mistake. I apologize to all those hardcore Matt LeBlanc fans out there, but he acts exactly how you would expect Joey Tribiani to. (Badly).

So the story is set in World War II. Steven O’Rourke (Matt) is an American soldier with the affectionate nick-name “Agent Almost”. He and a group of eccentric British soldiers are sent to Germany to get a decoding Enigma machine. The catch? The factory where they are made are staffed only by women. Only a women could get in. So, the soldiers must go in drag! LOL! There’s Jonno, a strange little man who knows 27 languages and has to pee a lot (trust me, this is crucial to the plot); Some Old Man (who’s name I can’t remember but isn’t important anyways) who has worked in the military office his whole life and is finally going on a real mission; and Tony Parker (Eddie Izzard ❤ ) who is a bisexual transvestite who used to be in the military (and was damn good!) but now works as a gay club as a drag queen. His role in the movie is too teach the other butch, manly men who to apply makeup, walk in heels, and be acccepted at women. Doesn’t this movie sound hilarious?!?!

Obviously, they run into problems (O’Rourke falls in love with the female German ally, Parker meets up with his old male German lover and his female ex-wife, etc.). But SPOILERS! they end up succesful in the end! Surprise!

If you couldn’t tell from the synopsis alone, this is a bad movie. It’s a very bad movie. But it has a special place in my heart. Eddie Izzard is very adorable in it, and I’m pretty sure that he did it as kind of joke; being a transvestite himself and having a whole routine about “the first transvestite brigade” in his most beloved stand-up tour, “Dress to Kill”.

I’d also like to take the time to point out that the DVD promises “Attractive Special Feature”, but this is a lie as there are none to be found.

I’d also like to say that there are long stretches in the film where only German is being spoken, however the neglected to add English subtitles.

So I recommend this movie to no one. Except Eddie Izzard fans. And I recommend Eddie Izzard to everyone.

With all my love,

Elaine

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