Bad Movies, Good People

If I am anything, I am a loyal fan. When I find some actor/filmmaker/artist/personality that I really like, I will do pretty much anything for that person. And by that, I mean seeing all the bad movies they’ve been in. I was just thinking about all my famous “friends”, and the absolute shit that I’ve sat through to see them (be it for one brief moment in a Hollywood blockbuster, or a starring role in an independent flop) and I thought I’d share some of them with you.

• Band of the Hand

I saw this lost gem for that little guy in the yellow shirt and dyed hair. That, my friends, is baby John Cameron Mitchell. The film itself if an 80’s movie about a group of five troublemakers, who get the choice of living in the jungle for a bit, or going to jail. They choose the jungle, and learn all about themselves and each other. The Breakfast Club in nature. It obviously sucks. But JCM is so damn cute with his orange hair and painted on tattoos. If we continue The Breakfast Club analogy, then he was the Ally Sheedy character. I will leave you with a quote from a review someone posted on Netflix about this movie that I really enjoyed, “The scenery and photography is artistic and beautiful but not so artistic that it would be considered artsy.” That, ladies and gentleman, is the greatest thing said about any movie, ever. Too bad it was wasted on this piece of shit that no one has ever seen. Except for John Cameron Mitchell, John Cameron Mitchell’s mom, and me.

• All the Queen’s Men

I’ve seen the most bad movies for my fave British, transvestite, comedian/actor Eddie Izzard (no offense to all the other British, transvestite comedian/actors out there). In his quest for legitimate acting gigs, I think he just took any role that came his way. And no one, no matter how desperate they are, should EVER take a film role opposite Matt LeBlanc. I explored All the Queen’s Men in more detail in this post.

• Pecker

The only John Waters movie I didn’t like. The only John Waters movie that is just straight up bad. (Note: we have to judge JWat’s films on a different kind of scale, since all his movies are technically, “bad”.) It’s fairly dull, and nothing too exciting happens. A lot of fans hate everything post Desperate Living…but, people, after he got that studio money and mainstream support from Hairspray, he just couldn’t make movies like Pink Flamingos anymore, let’s be real. But, I feel like he managed to work a sort of “filth-lite” charm into other films like Serial Mom or Cecil B. Demented…this one just didn’t work out. The fake trashiness was forced, so that it seemed like someone trying to recreate what they think a John Waters movie should be. Oh, well. They can’t all be winners. And there is a good moment where Christina Ricci screams, “I HATE MODERN ART.” That’s cute.

• Gunslinger’s Revenge

One of the most laughably bad movies I’ve ever seen. It stars Harvey Keitel, and is an Italian spaghetti western. And also featurs David Bowie. I won’t bore you with the plot (mostly because I can’t remember it) BUT ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW is that David Bowie, who plays the bad guy, utters the following statement to a barmaid: “You’re a lucky woman. I ain’t gonna kill you. Today, I’m just gonna rape you.” BAD MOVIE BLISS.

• Hudson Hawk

For dear Richard E. Grant, star of Withnail and I. Unfortunately, this big-budget, Bruce Willis-starring, action/”comedy” was no where near similar to the beautiful subtley and British wit of Withnail. The Showgirls of action movies. And not in a good way. REG was cute as the villain with Sandra Bernhard as his partner in crime, though.

• Say Uncle

And enter the Queer as Folk obsession. Peter Paige, the flamboyant Emmet from QAF, attempted the tricky trio of writing/directing/starring in this “dark comedy”, about a gay man who tries to work as a babysitter in a suburban neighbor, which ends up distressing the residents. Oh, Peter. Stay in front of the camera, my friend. It takes some skill to make a funny movie about supposed child molestation…

• Particles of Truth

Another attempt by the QAF gang, this time starring the beautiful Gale Harold. (Isn’t Gale a really nice name?) Anyways, this suffers from the same delusion of Say Uncle, with firsttimer Jennifer Elster writing/directing/starring in the film opposite Gale. All I can remember is artsy shots of him shaving (which would definitely be “so artistic that it would be considered artsy”, and not in a good way) and her entering some kind of club and getting mauled by German Shepards and then being raped. I think it was about finding yourself, or some shit like that.

• Holding Trevor

This was really disappointing, because it took years (literally) to be released on DVD, and once it was, I couldn’t even get through it. Starring the cutest boy in the world, Jay Brannan, it was billed as some kind of gay coming-of-age in the big city kind of thing. Not the most unique story in the world, but anything for my little, shaved, singer/songwriter. Long story short, I hated all the characters and didn’t give a shit about their identity crises. Not even Jay was enough to finish the movie. Why does all gay, independent cinema suck so bad? (That’s another post all together!)

And that’s just a sampling of some of the sucky-ass movies I seen for the people I love. And we didn’t even talk about The L Word gang, or Elizabeth Berkley’s Lifetime movies! . Why do I torture myself like this? I wish I knew. I just love collecting these bad movies, I suppose. And seeing these people move through their careers really touches me. I mean, look at Eddie Izzard now! From Matt LeBlanc to Tom Cruise!

Anyways, I suppose that the moral of this post is that I lack appropriate judgment skills, and will blindly be led by obsessions with people who will never know I exist to consume all of their work. Is that normal?

Now I really want to re-watch Queer as Folk.

Love,

Elaine

My night in music.

So last night we had a really fun night (or at least I vaguely remember we did) all thanks to our good friend Daniel. Here was our night in music.

The beginning of the night, at the community park with hartknight and Julia, just before Daniel and Elaine were about to come:

(Of course there are several versions of this song, but this one is the best!)

A bit later, cruising around Scripps Ranch and Mira Mesa for a good place to chill.

After initial difficulties, and multiple failures, all hope is nearly lost. We are at the park, but failures. Only our prayers keep our hopes alive.

An hour later: We’re almost there, still at the park… almost ready…

A few minutes later: SUCCESS!

Later, in front of Sombrero’s, my mother calls me and I pick up… I’m sure you’ve seen this video a million times by now.

Finally, I go home because my mommy wants me to, I facebook some, and I go to bed…

This morning, I wake up and I’m not really sure what happened.

And that’s everything in a nutshell!

Husbands and Husbands

Sorry for our absence. Blame it on finals.

But to make up for it (because I know how upsetting it is to all our many, many loyal readers when we don’t post regularly) here’s a really cute video of a little boy, who is more intelligent than 52% of Californians.

On Spring Break

There are but twelve short days separating me from San Diego. This quarter has been much busier than the last one, and I am very much looking forward to going home. Rather than re-writing that essay for Composition, editing my Color Theory project or working on my movie for Intro to Film, I think that I’ll visually show my excitement for spring break by utilizing my new favorite, and very specific, art form: Showgirls gifs.

How I feel about the next twelve days:

Me working hard on all my final projects:

Me on the last day of the quarter, relieved that it is over:

Me getting off the plane:

Josh and I at SMG:

Josh and I catching up:

Josh being a freak:

My spring fling:

Okay, sorry, I’ll stop now.